Lampoon meets Hitchcock in New York

All manner of music paraphernalia; cd's, Ipod, batteries, dictaphone , laptop, mobile phone and of course a mobile GPS system (being in contactable is an offence these days) tissues, hand crème, water, warm socks, a cardigan, sucky sweets that may render you toothless by the end of the flight but at least your ears will have popped, cooler socks to allow for temperature variances et al. Did I mention that this was a week long holiday!

With a glint in my eye and dollars in my fanny pack! I caught the tube and hit for the airport. I was salivating to take a bite out of the big apple. This holiday was my raison d'etre. I was coming off the back of relationship road kill. I had 2 jobs, no life, a bank balance that resembled the national debt of a third world country and was likened to Nancy Spludgeon after a hard night on the sauce! I had scrimped and saved for this holiday and it was going to be good.

Cue an eight hour flight, an abundance of bland food ( all of which I ate, the starving children in Africa line that your mother uses on you as a child because you don't want to eat her frog spawnesque tapioca finally pays off) some slap stick movies and I was state side. After queuing in a cattle grid for the best part of an hour I passed through immigration and customs with nothing lost except my finger prints and my patience. I imagine had there been the hint of a problem I would have been whipped back home in jig time such was the manner of the ground staff. An Air India flight had arrived at the same time which meant the arrivals hall had all the spice of a Bollywood movie.

The friend of the family in whose house I was staying was there to meet me although it took a few moments to spot her amidst the saffron saris. I use the word there with trepidation as she was indeed present but gasping for air and clearly unwell. After we exchanged pleasantries (it had been sixteen years since I last saw her and she was now sitting firmly on the wrong side of fifty) we ambled toward the car park.

Once in the car (and after getting out of the drivers seat!) I was appointed chief navigator a task for somebody who later got lost in New York , the easiest grid reference a girl will ever tackle was not really a choice role. On approaching the first round about I was asked which exit schweethart to which I replied an ambiguous hmm, the one which will take us home perchance?.. My flight arrived at JFK at 12.30pm . I arrived at my destination at 8.00pm .

The sequence of events which filled that space was as follows. A lot of getting lost, a trip to the doctors where I was introduced as the Irish cousin and invited to attend the consultation, politely declining such offers went unheard and I was suddenly reduced to cute leprechaun status regurgitating the worst Irish anecdotes I could muster in my haze of disbelieving jetlag!.

Next stop, a chest x-ray at the local hospital, yup I was invited to attend that consultation too. On to more getting lost, Kmart a fight to find milk which is indeed just that, a trip to a friends house where we ogled some canine catastrophe for what must have been eons and then finally home.

Exhales, drops bag & takes a look around. Oh shsky! I was not in Manhattan , Queens or the Bronx , oh no no I was in a log cabin at the foothills of the Catskills with no mobile phone service and a very sick lady. If I was living out the musings of a romantic poem then this would be apt, sweeping Turner like landscapes , snow capped mountains, the US flag twittering in the icy cold air, affluent Americans at one with nature and their 4 wheel SUV's but I'm 26! I wanted the Guggenheim, MOMA, Time Square ,central park, Fifth Avenue , Macys'. I wanted a cosmopolitan in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world. My host had retired for the evening and so with a rheumy eye and an acute case of poor me I considered my options.

I had the number of a friend of a friend (somebody I had actually never met) but thought better of getting in touch. I also knew that another friend (somebody I had met and on quite a few occasions) was over on business and would be around for a few days. I called him, explained my interesting position and decided to meet up the following day. I feel I should now say that my host was nothing short of gracious but was genuinely ill. She did however still look on me as a child and the mention of going to the city on a train, on my own was ill received. Needless to say I agreed with all her worries but still went.

The journey to the train station took an hour as did the train journey itself. I was very much upstate New York as opposed to NYC. I arrived in Grand central station and stood as agreed underneath the clock. Trying desperately to conceal the bag I was carrying (this was no ordinary overnighter) I was collected in a prompt manner and whisked in to the very cold New York evening.

New York in February is a spine chilling cold, snowy place but an amazing city to boot. I was completely blown away by the smells, the buzz, the neon lights, the heights of the buildings, and the array of people. Having visited many big cities I was growing tired of their pace and pretensions but NYC definitely caught my eye, a very real city. .

We dropped my bag and headed out in search of sustenance. I felt like a kid, my eyes darting around trying to settle on one thing but visually spoilt for choice. Walking around time square and Broadway I was further impressed. There is just so much going on and on every square inch. Buzzing theatre touts, masses of tourist, vociferous locals. Leicester square is provincial by comparison. We finally settled on some cheesy spot where the food was great but there was just far too much, the super size culture is not just confined to Mac Donald's.

My friend had work the following day so I was left to my own devices. Map in gloved hand I took in the sights. The empire state building, probably not a good idea to dilly dally up there when temperatures have dropped below freezing! A leisurely walk down fifth avenue, a trip to the museum of modern art (where if you like photography then this is the place to go), along with copious cups of coffee to stay warm, if still cold may I suggest some New York style cheesecake a killer on the arteries but a delectable treat and a sure fired way to warm one up.

This was how I spent the following few days. I did get to see the Guggenheim; I had many many many cosmopolitans. I went to a wicked Cuban restaurant in the meat packing district. I went to Sachs but my north face fleece and jansport pack seemed a little out of place with Channel, Dior and Prada. With tickets to the Met to see The marriage of Figaro my trip was looking up.

Having started out as the title suggests this could have been holiday hell but with the help of a now very dear friend I'll be going state side again and very soon! Have a nice day!