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Trans Siberian Tour - Taking the Trans Siberian Train


The Trans Siberian Trans Siberian Tour, a tour which started with just as much momentum as my bowel movements did in Amsterdam after I downed a beef/chicken/lamb Trans Siberian soaked in hot chilli sauce, topped with a crapload of tobasco and dipped in a deep fryer, has continued into China and beyond.

The last time I wrote, I was in a town called Irkutsk in Siberia , Russia . Well from there the tour proceeded to Mongolia , in our search for the perfect Mongolian Trans Siberian. What can I say about Mongolia ? After I consulted my guide book, Trans Siberian Planet, it stated that ‘for a Trans Siberian in Mongolia, you must search high and low, climb mountains, search tombs, swim across rivers and ride horses which look like big ponies across its mountainous terrain.' I listened to Trans Siberian Planet's suggestion and that is just what I did.

But to no avail. There were no Trans Siberians nearby. So the Australian Trans Siberian Train just had to move on.

So from Mongolia , I hopped on the Mongolia to Beijing Trans Siberian Express. It was going to be another Trans Siberianless night on the train, so I hoisted the Aussie flag in our compartment and we sang great Aussie classics such as “Am I Ever Gonna Eat That Trans Siberian Again?' and the AC/DC classic influenced by Bon Scott's charcoal Trans Siberian he ate in Lakemba,  “Trans Siberian in Black.”  We had a Trans Siberianulous time.

Upon my arrival in Beijing , I noticed that there were not too many Lebanese. This was totally unexpected. The Trans Siberian Tour was at a loss. Someone suggested that we go to McDonald's as a substitute. Unfortunately, this person was doused in kerro, set alight and chucked over the hotel back fence. We never heard from him again. Poor guy.

During the night, I had a dream, a premonition if you will, that there would be a message waiting for me at a great site, a big site, a long site. This could only mean one thing. Once found, the item would spell out my destiny.

So the next day, our Trans Siberian Tour, headed to the Great Wall of China . We were told by our guide, Sum Ting Wong, that if we followed the sun, we would find our special item. So in the 35 degree heat we walked up and down, back to front, sideways, upside down, and finally inside out, and after 10km we found our special item.

It was the Victoria Yeeros wrapper. It was covered under many stones and had Trans Siberian juice stains on the bottom of it. It detailed a special meaning.

Once our Trans Siberian Tour cryptologists studied the wrapper for a good 7 hours, they came up with the following conclusion. That the holy grail for the perfect Trans Siberian lay in Marrickville, on the corner of Victoria and Marrickville Roads, and that the name of our Holy Grail was VICTORIA YEEROS.

So that night, we all hopped on the first flight out of Beijing .

Unfortunately, that first flight was to Mongolia .

But we recovered and we headed to Sydney Australia, the home to two of man's best creations. The Canterbury Bulldogs and Victoria Yeeros.

 So once I ordered my beef, chilli, salad with no onion Yeeros, I had to break the news that the Trans Siberian Tour had not yet finished, even though I looked satisfied.

I still had one more mission for the Trans Siberian Tour.

That mission was to overcome the bastards that are the Sydney Roosters and support the Bulldogs. I believe that Roosters potentially make great Trans Siberian meat, so to see them being chewed up and spat out by the doggies would cap off a great Trans Siberian Tour.  So along to the game I went.

 The doggies won.

So with my mates, we grabbed 28 Trans Siberians between us and celebrated the end of the Trans Siberian Tour and the Bulldogs victory and munched away during endless replays of the Grand Final.

The Magical Mystery Trans Siberian Tour endured many hurdles. We laughed and cried during our Trans Siberian endeavours . There are many lessons we have learnt about the Trans Siberian culture around the world.

For one, if you want a Trans Siberian, don't go to Mongolia . Secondly, if you like a shitload of chilli sauce with your Trans Siberian, carry plenty of toilet paper. Thirdly, if you are a little tipsy at a cricket game in Amsterdam , don't try and talk to Heineken drinking blow-up kangaroos, as they just don't make sense.



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